life is a battle

and I will accept the fight

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I'm always feeling a little confused by people who claim to have good intentions and who want to do good, yet deny God. It's poking me somehow. I've been that way too.

Lately I am perceiving what original sin is, and I believe it is to desire life without caring for God. A person who "agrees" with original sin and does not stand against it, may very well be able to lead a happy life. Good things are good things. Researching a medicine that helps people would be a good deed for both a christian or an atheist scientist.

My own family has been good to each other even in the times when none of us was a serious christian.

But since I started out to be a serious christian, I see the flaw in all of this. My reason cannot entirely grasp it, but my spirit does. For example, when I see my dad's bitterness towards God. Or when I talk with someone who claims to be genuinely happy once having fully rejected God. My reason, my old understanding, isn't contrary to such things, at least it is willing to compromise, as usual. But my spirit cringes somehow, looking around for guidance and feeling scared.

I suppose we all have slightly different temptations. For some the temptation to embrace free love and screw with every woman in sight is something they can hardly resist, even when they really know it's wrong. For me the temptation of being reasonable, so far, is the greatest temptation. But reason alone is not reasonable at all. It denies the value of experience. It accepts God, but only begrudgingly, because it has decided that feeling free is better than feeling love. It clings to the idea of absolute freedom as if that were even a possibility in life. It's like trying to resist the urge for heroine.

The spirit stays in me and makes me longsuffering. I do not obsess about it anymore. But I feel it would be wise of me to learn even more how reason is to be mistrusted when you are a christian. Something inside of us is quite satanic. A kind of indifference deep down, which prevents both peace and glorious victory.


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