life is a battle

and I will accept the fight

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reason and spirit, pt 2
I've been talking of my new views on this on other forums, and they told me I'm wrong.

I'm not seeing through it entirely. I feel like there is a wall before my eyes through which I just can't break.

"break on through to the other side" JM Who knew I might be quoting the doors on my religious journey.

I've often tried to be reasonable, to understand the whole thing. And then to move on based on having learned to see through, to comprehend.

Have you ever tried understanding the devil? No? That's good, because I think we should only attempt to understand the good, and those we love.

I don't trust reason because I can't see any results of a focus on reason. There is something in me, something old, from my atheist childhood, that I venerated the world, and communist philosophy, materialism and all. As a little kid, mind you. It's like I started to think earlier than others, but without real guidance. Learning and teaching should be a personal affair, so that confusion and misunderstanding can be more easily recognized.

I still think I was largely right. I should not sacrifice myself on the altar of reason. I've done this so many times. I am a christian, Indira is an atheist, so I must also cling to atheism a little to have her. Is that the consequence of romantic love? If that be the case, I have started to understand Paul telling us to stay unmarried and living only for Jesus. It's much easier.

I know there is something fundamental about my mistrust of reason that has to do with these demons or with the schizo, depending on how you see the whole thing. Let's just call it an effectively malicious force able to twist my thoughts while I am making them. IE, suppose you want to kick yourself in the ass, and so you say loudly, in your head, "I believe in God and that He loves me, so I am gonna trust Him now and quit thinking". If that happens with me, it's guaranteed that I "hear" this thought in my mind differently, or that I see a head in my mind that speaks what I wanted to say, either so that it sounds shallow, foolish, mean, stupid, ambitious, wicked, etc, or so that the thought is differently entirely, to the point that I then think I have thought "I do not believe in God, it is foolish to have faith, I'm never gonna trust the supernatural again and just will play computer games so I at least will have some fun in life", or something like that.

If you can't trust most of your thoughts anymore, you can't trust reason anymore.

And I won't do that again. I'm reasonable enough even without consciously trying to be reasonable. I have enough capability of understanding without being a master of reason, or something.

When I am spiritual I have all I need. Life and peace. I let Jesus do the reasoning. I have the word on which to stand, and the commandment of love to put everything into perspective.


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