life is a battle

and I will accept the fight

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
so I got to know someone again
Yesterday I met someone new in my life, in the internet again. She's a woman from Portugal.

She reminds me to Indira a lot. She is extremely intelligent and educated, has a wide array of interests and skills.

She's schizoid, and that may prove a bit difficult.

At first I thought, the pattern strikes again. I get better with my health, and suddenly a woman knocks at my door again. Sometimes I think there are metaphysical laws governing chance and identity. I've also had the thought, God wants to train me, to let me have helpful acquaitances. He wants me to prove now that I got away from how I once was. That I'm not pulling off these frenzied dances anymore, and instead remain humble and ... rational.

I'm a bit frightened. I have enormous respect for highly intelligent people. But in the same time, there's always a little misery mixed into this respect, for me. The thoughts, will I be accepted? Or will I be rejected? Will I mean something to this person, can I give them something from me that they will value?

My schizophrenia often has to do with the fear of rejection. And I can't avoid that because it's impossible for me to learn so much and get to understand as much as these people who have devoted themselves to understanding for many years. No matter if I like it or not, I must be contend with humility.

I am thinking a lot of the book of Knulp, from Hermann Hesse. That book offers me the role I can play, that of a reject who turned his being a reject into something beautiful. The book is very sad and melancholic at times, but it has a message of hope for me.


Log in

No account? Create an account